Jokes..

[jon]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after
dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is
ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy
a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come
on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"

[jon]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.
Mick, the bartender says: "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies: "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face.
"I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says: "No fockin'way."
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says: "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it", and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says: "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit too much to drink last night?"

Paddy says: "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. He said....You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[jon]

http://www.patrick.fm/boobies/boobies.php?text=mtb-thrashers

\o/

[jon]

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport,comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),
flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in
their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive
slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated
no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."